i speak half truths, half lies
by rainingWolf
Summary: After all, Bookman broods and is full of dark secrets and knowledge that makes even Komui wary while Lavi is open arms, open mind, and open heart. So when Lenalee is making That Face again, he must do what he must.


Disclaimer: I own nothing because if I did, Lavi would have more angst and he would appear more often in the manga.

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The door opens and closes; he pays no heed to the sound of soft but steady footsteps coming closer and closer to him, he's too busy translating some scribe's scrawl into legible handwriting, a task that should have been finished several weeks ago.

It isn't until the stacks of books propped in the chair next to him is moved and set gently on the table that he looks up, mind still swirling with Turkish and Latin. It's Lenalee who's smiling slightly but it's a false smile; the lines around her eyes are crinkled downwards and her eyelids are drooped as if something had saddened her enough to make That Face.

He wonders if the reason is him.

It's no secret that he puts up a front, that Lavi is just a single person in his mind amidst a crowd of 49. But perhaps she and the others never truly believed him when he said he is an apprentice to Bookman because who can compare to the elderly man who's so shriveled and bony that the Finders theorize that he had used his own blood as ink to record and that's why he's so small. After all, Bookman broods and is full of dark secrets and knowledge that makes even Komui wary while Lavi is open arms, open mind, and open heart.

Everything about Lavi is open and that's how he responds to Lenalee who's making That Face. He puts his aching hands to rest and leans forward because that's what Lavi does. He cares and loves (_too much_) so when Lenalee finally says something, Lavi is confused and bewildered as to what warrant such a question.

"_You were never a part of my family, were you?_"

Lavi is confused, Lavi is concerned, Lavi is everything but comprehending about what Lenalee asked him. But Bookman's apprentice is calculating, is going through the number of scenarios as to how this could play out, is everything but panicking about the situation before him.

Lavi quizzically responds with a "_doesn't our adventures mean anything to you?_" with a raised eyebrow while Bookman's apprentice just folds his hands before him in preparation.

Yes, preparation because what Lenalee said next folds Lavi in half while Bookman's apprentice just steadily looks onward. "_Can't I ask you the same thing?"_

There is silence as Lavi attempts to understand the double meaning and the apprentice smirks at the irony, adjusting the cuffs of his shirt before stilling them once again on the table. And nothing else needs to be said because how can there be words to explain how her cause is not his? That he is here because of a higher being he does not believe in that has endowed him with a power he does not seek?

How can he explain to the girl before him that there are 48 other voices in his head that he must shut out because right now, there can only be Lavi? There cannot be Deak, cannot be Thomas, cannot be Malik, Matthew, Joseph, David. How can he possibly even begin to put into words that while she may believe that she fights for a noble cause, he believes that in the end that they are all filthy and dirty because they throw themselves down in the dirt to be trampled over for the sake of humanity?

Lavi cannot possibly say any of these things because he does not even try to question the darkness in him that is eating him from the inside out ever since he was given a room in a mind full of clamoring voices. But Bookman Junior, on the other hand… he has an answer and he does not hesitate to tell the young woman (_no, she's only 16, not even a woman, she's just a girl_) the truth he stands by for all times.

"_Of course it means something to me. You are all important."_

Lavi says this with a grin, teeth showing and hands moving to express his certainty; and Lenalee is relieved because so what if he is Bookman's apprentice? What if when they first met, he was just getting used to be called 'Lavi'? What he just said has proved that not even a Bookman is immune to the suffering of humanity, that they are important to him because he has actually grown to embrace life, at least minutely.

She leaves the room, satisfied and chirpy, bouncing on the balls of her heels as she waves bye.

What she doesn't see is Bookman's apprentice putting his hands on the back of his head and leaning back on his chair until he is on the verge of falling save for his feet that he had propped up on the desk, next to the inkpots and dying candles.

What she doesn't hear is the boy's (_no he's not a boy anymore, not since someone told him to fight in a war when he was no warrior_) soft chuckle at the words he said. Because it surprised him that the truth came out when he could have said it a different way that by no means can be construed as a positive thing. Because what he actually said was not "_You are important because you are my friends and family"_ but rather a _"You are important because you are pieces to a puzzle that I must complete."_

What he meant was "_You are part of the History I must record?"_

And in the end, both Lavi and Bookman Junior can agree on the question, "_How can I erase any of you from my life?"_

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Just a tiny drabble that was stuck in my head that I desperately needed to write down.

- reviews are much appreciated

- hope you enjoyed it

-and sorry if it doesn't make sense


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